Saturday, November 26, 2005

I wonder

What do creative juices taste like?
Beef, probably.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Careful

Look before you leap when you start mixing metaphores and overusing phrases like a bear in the woods with a bird in the hand and a chicken in the bush, because sometimes it's like trying to find a blue moon in a haystack. You have to count your baskets before they hatch or it will make as much sense as barking up the wrong tree with the early bird catching the worm.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I love maths exams!

They're just like hip hop concerts!

"Ok. O-fucking-K! Who wants to do some mother fucking algebra! Wooooo! All the ladies in the house say 'y equals x to the power of four!' Put yo' hands in the air like a parabola! Can I get a yes yes y'all? Lets all do some quadratic-fucking-equations! Yeah!"

On second thoughts...no.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Warning: Lame joke

I hate it when teachers make us stand up in front of the class and get us to do some shit talk about shit that means shit all.
And do you know why I hate it?

Because orals suck.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Coke-O pops!

Just like an heroin milkshake, only crunchy!

I am so lucky

You wouldn't believe how lucky I am!
Practically every site I go on tells me that I have just won a million dollars, or that I am the person chosen to win a special prize!
What are the chances of that?

Friday, November 11, 2005

Stupid teenyboppers

Alright, that's it. Something has to be done.
Here is a dictionary definition of a rant:

Rant
rant·ed, rant·ing, rants
v. intr. To speak or write in a angry or violent manner; rave.
v. tr. To utter or express with violence or extravagance.
n. 1.Violent or extravagant speech or writing.
2. (Chiefly British) Wild or uproarious merriment.
3. A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence.

Here is an example of what I like to call a typical blog 'rant':
"omg. pukes! -.- whose the anonymous Men. shit. act til so close with us.. stil sae my pic cute. never die before. shit shit shit!"

And here's another:
"Then omg, a few weeks ago I heard on tv this one black chick named her daughter Precious or somthing. o_o. ... And the moms are like omg its so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm thinking, omg its like soooooooooooooooooooo NOT!..."

Stupid bloody teenage girls...reinforcing negative stereotypes...mutter mutter...morons...mutter.
Now I'm not saying that all of the so called 'ranters' I found were idiotic teenage girls or anything (but they were), I'm just saying that they are not writing 'rants' they are writing crap, and should burn in hell for all eternity. Along with Hitler, everyone who eats McDonald's, and that itchy feeling you get when you sit on grass with bare legs.

Your 'rants' are not written in an angry or violent manner.
You are not in any way expressing yourself with violence or extravagance.
Your shitforbrains writing does not involve wild or uproarious merriment.
How ever, reading your 'rants' does incite violence and anger.
In me.
Towards you.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

My blog:

It tastes as good as it looks.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A poem

Maybe I am,
Maybe I aint,
But one thing's for sure,
I hate the pope.

Ow

I think I sprained my thigh.

Stupid makeup ad

"Nowadays, the look is all about a natural, radiant glow."

Um, as opposed to an unnatural, gloomy dullness?

Ok, here's the idea

We get...all the people I hate...and then...you still with me?
And then...we...make them eat eggplants.
Oh, I am so bad.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Look on the bright side

At least you're not...on fire.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Wacky Europeans

Hey check this out:

"Het was schitterend weer en dus weer voor strand.
Het is wel een leuke plaats met veel uitgaansgelegenheden.
We hebben vandaag een harbour trip gemaakt, je hebt op die manier een."

Isn't that cool? These are direct quotes from someone's blog. It sound like the swedish chef muppet guy, except drunk. (Hurdy, gurdy)
It's so cool when you don't even have to make fun of other people's languages because they do it for you.

A sandwich short of a picnic

  • A president short of an idiot convention.
  • A dumb hat short of a horse race.
  • A gyrating santa short of a shopping centre in December.
  • A righteousheathen short of an argument.
  • A dumbarse short of a government.
  • A cover up short of a war.
  • A wet t-shirt competition short of a car race.
  • A doof-doof short of a hotrod.
  • A limp dick short of a chauvinist.
  • An iPod short of a conformist.
  • A joint short of a college student.
  • An obscenity short of a TISM song.
  • A Neo-nazi short of a parent teacher meeting.
  • A witty comeback short of a righteousheathen.
  • A mouldy pizza short of a dorm room.
  • A sad, lonely, overweight forty year old white male short of an anime movie premiere.

An old saying

"You can't make an omelette without killing a few children... I mean breaking a few legs... I mean eggs..."

Oxymorons

  • German security
  • Teenage intelligence
  • Fun science
  • Exciting blog
  • Relevent comment
  • Suitable humour
  • Unique teenager
  • Pop music
  • Delicious risotto
  • Boring sugar
  • Fantastic reality show
  • Educational video
  • Honest opinion
  • Smart teacher
  • Loving god
  • Evil atheist...hang on a second...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Actual conversation

I swear to god this is an actual conversation I overheard in class a few days ago:

"Oh my god I love your nails."
"Thanks, I painted the french tips myself."
"Wow, how did you do that?"
"What?"
"How?"
"How? Isn't that how Indians say hello?"
"What?"
"No, not those Indians, the Indians with the archery and stuff."

Stupid school

Why is it that our parent consent forms for excursions etc always require an address for the emergency contact details? I mean, I can understand how they might need a phone number in case of a horrifyingly bloody accident because they happen quite often on our school trips, but a postal address?
So does that mean that if there is a horrible accident, and if god loves me there will be, and the phone number doesn't work because NOBODY IS AT HOME, they will write an urgent letter to my home address? Or better yet, drop my freshly deceased corpse off at my house?
Oh. Now it makes sense.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Eau de mould

Mmm, smell that long weekend air! The extra days off school have finally allowed the classrooms to ferment.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Important community service announcement

Nerf balls kill.