Sunday, October 30, 2005

Memo to self

Never, EVER try to eat beef stock cubes.
I mean, I know they look like candy with their cute little silver wrappers...and that delicious looking cow on the lable makes them seem appealing, but don't...just don't.
Also, never drink beef stock.
Trust me on this one.

Fun Game

Ok. Here's a great game.
How to play:
- I count to ten, while you go stick your head in the oven with the gas on.
- Stay there until I can find you!

That's not how you pronounce it

You stewpid fewel!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

MSN display names

StOp WRiTiNg iN UpPeR AnD LoWeR CAsE LeTtERs iT's ImPoSsiBLe To ReAd AnD NoBoDy LoVeS YoU!

Negative? ME?

Teacher: "Well lucky for you students, there is only one more topic for your english classes, and then there are just five more weeks left of school this year."

Me: "Yes, and lucky for us, we only have two more years of oppression and conformity forced upon us at school, then several more at university, and then we can get a dead end job where we sit around at desks all day and work like dogs to make money for some faceless corporation, and all the while attempting to scrape together enough cash so that we can live the rest of our miserable, pathetic lives in some crappy nursing home being spoon fed pureed apples and carrots and then we can DIE!"

Unique

If we are all unique, doesn't that make us all the same, in that we are all different?
So technically, nobody is unique, because we are all unique, so being special isn't really all that special, is it?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The innocence of childhood

Even as a child, my general attitude towards my peers was somewhat condescending. I often tried to undermine their confidence by disagreeing with everything they said, and used to question their political beliefs and moral stance on life.
I also used to do this thing where I would look at someone and smile, and then when they smiled back I would abruptly change my smile into a frown, leaving them somewhat confused.
Heh heh heh.

A bit of a sceptic

"I ate a sandwich today."

"Bullshit. Where's the proof? Evidence people, I need EVIDENCE!"

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Gross! A teacher!

"Oh my god, it's the principal!"

"No, don't be stupid. He's just an old wive's tale made up to scare little kids."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Recipe 2

How to make a Frankston Smoothie

Step one: Pour 2-3 cups of undiluted cordial into a saucepan.

Step two: Boil until thick.

Step three: Enjoy!

MOST PAINFUL THING EVER:

A paper cut on your eye...with lemon juice rubbed in...and the paper was on fire...and it was your death certificate...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Wind

"Whoa, it's really windy today...I'd better start wearing shorts under my dress because it keeps blowing up."

"Yeah, I'd better start wearing underwear."

Playground chant

2, 4, 6, 8
You're a dickhead!

Recipe 1

How to make a deep black

Step one: Pour cola soft drink into mug.

Step two: Microwave for 2-3 mins on high.

Step three: Enjoy!

Monday, October 17, 2005

But

Stop ending your sentences with but, but.

Memory

"Oh I'll remember all right...I'll give them a remembering they'll never forget!!!"

Sarcasm

If sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, then how come people with no sense of humour don't get it?

Song

'IPod, you pod, we all pod for SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Job advert

Male/female/other needed for teaching job at secondary college.
No education/talent/experience/credentials necessary.
Apply within.

Please hail bus

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

6 Tips to help you save water:

1. Don't flush the toilet.
Ever.
2. Don't wash your clothes.
In fact, don't even wear clothes.
Do you have any idea how much water is wasted on cotton plantations each year? Because I don't...but I'm sure it's alot.
3. Don't eat vegetables, because just like cotton fields, they are always being watered. Actually, don't eat meat either. Those fat, lazy farm animals drink way too much. Which brings me to
4. Don't drink anything.
6-8 glasses a day? Holy crap, what a waste! It's just going to end up at the sewage plant you know, and what good does that do anybody?
5. Don't wash your hair, or clean your teeth.
Hell, don't even shower.
6. Did you know that the world only has a set amount of water?
Well now you do.
So basically, what this means is that the water you are drinking right now is at a rough estimate 100 gazillion bejillion years old.
You don't know where the stuff has been.
For all you know, it has been vomited up MILLIONS of times, passed through BILLIONS of bladders, and washed over TRILLIONS of rotting old corpses.
Not to mention that fact that a dinosaur could have peed in it.
And you're showering in this stuff?
AND DRINKING IT?!?
SPIT IT OUT, NOW!!!

And the award for 'most disgusting' goes to...

Pepsi Max!
(And to think I thought regular pepsi was revolting)

If only...

Cockroaches could talk. Then all of the world's problems would be solved.

What is the world coming to?

I don't know how to fix everything that's wrong with society these days, but I think I know how to make life more bearable. I'm going to track down the people who have brought civilisation to new lows and punish them as I see fit.
First on my list? Whoever invented bubblegum nesquik. They should be shot...no...forced to eat it.

Psycho

Now, those of you reading this at home are probably thinking, "What is this crazy person on about?" AND YOU'RE RIGHT!!!

I can't go to hell!

Just because I'm pure evil on the outside and the inside doesn't mean...oh crap.

Brilliant!!!

"You know what the world needs? Car radios that can also play CD's and MP3's!"
"Um...they already have those."
"You're kidding! What's next, CUPHOLDERS?"

All I can say is

Thank god for air freshener.

In fact

A recent study showed that the music you listen to blows.

Mental Note:

Grass does not taste good.

I hope you all die

And believe me, I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I hate

Shoelaces

George Bush

The precedent of the United States.

Did you hear about:

That woman who accidently set her son's head on fire when she tried to get rid of his head lice by dousing his scalp in gasoline?...Jeez...good thing he didn't have crabs...

What's that funky smell?

...There's something bad in this fridge...something without a soul...

WHY?

Why do carrots always stain my fingernails orange? For the love of god, why?
THIS KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT!!!

Ew Look!

A plastic corpse in the science classroom! Can't they even afford a real one?

You got the time?

"Yeah, but careful, it's trying to escape."

A dumb question deserves a dumb answer

"Does your child live with athsma?"
"No, they just visit them from time to time."

Is it THAT important?

Is the pope catholic?
Is Michael Jackson a child molester?!
Is your arse really, REALLY huge!?!

Your mum

"Your mum's so fat, she makes MY mum look skinny....Oh man. I just your mummed myself."

It's ok

"My mum says that it's not your fault you're so fat and stupid, so don't worry."

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Stupid Bable Fish

Not it annoying as automatic translators is actual they do not work very well because when you you do transfer English into the Russian and after this back into English again they they do end upward as gibberish?

He's a she?

Well, that explains alot...wait...no it doesn't.

Pedestrians

If pedestrians were supposed to wander all over the road, THEY WOULD HAVE WHEELS!

I beg your pardon?

Well you can try, but you're not going to get it.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Remember kids, it's always good to have goals!

For example:
"I'm going to kill myself if it kills me!"
Or, alternatively
"I'm going to kill myself if it's the last thing I do!"

Damn sport teachers

"Remember! There's no 'I' in team!"

"Yeah? Well there's no 'me' in it, either...oh wait...yes there is."

Smells like team spirit

....no wait, that's just my socks.

Latin

"So, going to Latin for your exchange trip?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"What? Is there a war on over there?"

As a wise man once said:

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Love at first sight

And then I saw her,
Skin like a white ceramic toilet bowl,
Eyes like those weird looking blue pills I had to give my cat last time it got sick,
Lips the colour of a piece of raw, bloodied flesh that has been recently torn from the body of a dying but still moving zebra by a vicious lion in some remote African desert.

Bloody contortionists

Ok all you bloody contortionists out there who can touch your feet without bending your knees. See that glass box over there? Oh yes...we're going to see how flexible you really are.

Birthdays

Every year brings me closer to retirement...or death...

Proof that I am all knowing

If you know everything, which I do, that means that if there was something that you didn't know, you'd know that you didn't, and so you wouldn't know everything but I know that I know everything, therefore I know everything.

Joke

Q - What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A - Getting stabbed in the face!

Mount Waverley High School

College of advanced slack-u-cation

Never!

Save the whales? But they taste so good!

July 13

July thirteenth is national 'Hey, there's a gas leak in the classroom' day.

Miracle Spread

Aaaah, Miracle Spread. The milk solids of Jesus.

Don't you hate it when...

Don't you hate it when you have to hold your phone between your ear and your shoulder because your hands are busy and then your neck hurts but you keep talking but your neck hurts more so you grab your phone and you throw it on the ground and you stamp on it with your bare foot and crush it and crush it and crush it until your foot is bleeding and there are only little pieces left and you pick up the little pieces and you put them in the fire and you watch them burn and then you piss on the ashes?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

New report cards for public schools

(Teachers please circle correct information, then sign below)

Dear Parent/Guardian,
Your son/daughter/hermaphrodite has made this year enjoyable/hell for me.
Thank you/I hate you.

Religion

"Oh yes, I'm an atheist...except for around Christmas and Easter."

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Duh

"E=mc squared? Well duh, it doesn't take an Einstein to figure that out."

Helen of Troy

The woman whose hideousness could launch a thousand ships.

Insults

"I'm a worthwhile individual!"

"In your dreams, shish kebab."

"What? That's not even a credible insult."

"Sure it is you...reckless...tomato. It implies that you have kebab like...tendencies."

Flavour of the week

"In my humble opinion, you're putting way too much mashed avocado on that chocolate milkshake."

"In my humble opinion, you're an idiot, so shut the hell up."

Recent news report

"The suspect was last seen on Wednesday at 2:56 pm, and is described as being white plastic, tubular, and having a slighly yoghurty odour, and - Oh my god, it's the yoplait kid!"

Teacher trying to be cool

"I will now proceed to show these results on a graph of one to seven. One being totally lame, and seven being gnarly."

Stonehenge

I keep a note pad by my bed so that I can jot down all of the flashes of brilliance I will inevitably have during the night. One morning I woke up to find scrawled on the paper in a barely legible hand:
"Stonehenge! do do do, do do do do do do!"

Don't ask.

Vegetarians

Me - "Vegetarians are weird."
Vegetarian - "If I had a soy based knife I would stab you right now!"

Question

When you are driving and reach a stop sign, do you:
A - Go
B - Stop
C - Greg

Sad but true

The reason your parents wont buy you an iPod is because they don't love you.

Money

If I had a dollar for every time I had fifty cents, I would still be desperately poor.

Baby on board

*sound of car braking and swerving*

"Woah! If that person hadn't had a 'baby on board' sign on their back windscreen, I would have totally ran into their car and purposely killed everybody!"